She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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