I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
