She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
There r osticjed everywhere
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
