I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Randomize
