woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
