I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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