I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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