no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
