I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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