Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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