You smell like a Billy Joel song
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
