Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
