I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
