He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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