Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
