I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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