I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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