I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
He better not be in your backpack
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
