We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
