Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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