genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
