sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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