we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
