I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
