We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
