i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
