nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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