Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
