In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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