I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
