I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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