Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It's blow job season.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
