end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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