We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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