I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
