I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
