What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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