On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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