I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
