my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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