I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
