This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
