He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
