well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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