Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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