she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
