Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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