birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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