Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
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