I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
