you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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