i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you traded sex for a burrito?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The adults are the big ones right?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
